“Why would I ever leave New York City?”  He spread his arm as he gestured toward the street.  “I gawt everything I need.”  He scrunched his nose pointing in the direction of the corner pizza shop.

“I got Gino’s pizza on Fridays, I got Ramen on Wednesdays, I got my Bagel, Locks and Cream Cheese in the mawning.  Twice a week I get my B-E-C,” he pronounced the acronym deliberately.

 “What’s a B-E-C?” I asked.

“B-E-C with S-P-A-K” he replied.  “You never heard of that?”

“No.”

He continued: “Bacon, Egg and Cheese, Salt, Pepper annnnnd…”. He drew out the last word.

“And ketchup.  Baby.”

“Oh!  You eat that as well?”

“All the time, baby, all the time, baby.”

He turned his head slightly to the side motioning me to step in closer as he had something important to say to me privately. ‘

“What?”  I asked, not really wanting to get too close.

He said: “I’ll let you in on a secret.  I would go into the Bodega and tell the guy on the grill. ‘Fix it like you fix it for your wife’.”

“You would say that for real?!” I retorted.

He let out a high-pitched, whiny laugh. “Heck no!  Look at me.  Do you think they would listen to me?  But you, now you should.  It’s better for you, it’s better for me, it’s better for him, it’s better for the community.  Everybody wins.”

“So let me get this straight.”  I doubled checked the phrase.  “Fix it like you fix it for…”  He interrupted me.

“Size them up and say fix it like you fix it for your guy, your girl, your woman, your kid.  You’re a smart man; you can figure it out.”

“You know…” he continued, warming up.  He rubbed his little paws together.  “If I feel particular, I go to a Hipster Coffee shop and I get a, what do you call it, level white, plane white.  Flat White. Ha-ha.  Your people are always coming up with these different phew phew names.”

“Phew, phew?’  You mean: Foo, Foo?”

“No ‘Phew, Phew.’  I just doubled the word.  Your people, when you walk by my food storage units, I see you cover your nose politely and say ‘Phew.’  So, I know that’s your phrase for when something smells or tastes good.  So, I doubled the word to make it twice as nice.  When I need a pickup, I go by a coffee house and usually outside people leave a cup with a little cinnamon and frothed milk.”

I shook my head in disbelief.

“I’m never gonna leave this place… The Big Apple, The Super Easy, The Fuhgedaboutit.”

“How do you afford it?” I asked.  “I mean rent for a 1 bedroom in New York City is about $5,000 a month.”

“Well.  I don’t really commute, so I save about, let me see.”  He held up his fingers; his little nose was working.  “$2.75 each way, $4.50 a day. 5 days a week, 50, no 40.”  He stopped and laughed.

“I can’t lie.  I don’t really pay when I take the train.  I just duck, ha-ha.. I always find it word, you use the animal duck to show stooping, and then you call people who tell on each other a rat…Strange, you could call it a rat, why not a parrot, a mockingbird.  Oh I digress.  What were we talking about? Oh yes, how I afford it here.  Yah I actually I just walk under the turnstile with me and my family.”

“Family?” I asked.

“I have 14 kids.”

“What?” I said shocked.

He puffed up his chest proudly.  “Yah.”

“By the same woman?”

“By your standards that’s a personal question, but Doe.” He corrected me. “We call our females does.”

“Really?”  I asked.

“Yes.  You know the expression.  She looked at you doe-eyed.”

He thumped his little chest proudly: “My people.  But yes, 14 kids, same doe, and she looks as good as when I first met her.”

“I provide for my nest, I work from home, and everything is right in a one block radius - the club - breakfast, lunch, dinner, smoke-shop, hotel, linen, even church.  Everything!  You know, not even one block, 150 feet.”

“How do you afford it?” I asked.

“I live simply…”. He self-corrected.  “We live simply, we’re a tight community.  We help each other.  I want to eat healthy and clean just like any rat.  I care for my health.  I have my issues like everyone else.  You have your trauma, I have cats.  Your doctors call it neophobic.  But it keeps me alive.  And that’s what it’s all about.  So thankyouverymuch,” he said it as one word as he inched away slowly.

“I’ll stay around, I’ll keep it. I’ve made it here.  I ain’t going nowhere.  It’s up to you.”

WAYS To ELIMINATE rats

1. Keep it clean

1. Rats love shelter and places to hide. A good way to to get rid of rats without the use of poison is to eliminate their hiding places. Remove clutter in and around your home and move objects away from the walls which will eliminate harborages.

2. Keep all trash and food in closed bins. Immediately clean up any spills. Keep your pipes and drains clean and wash your garbage bins with soap and bleach regularly.

3. Some recommend using peppermint as it discourages vermin. Gnasher told me he uses it to make tea.

4. Spend 15 minutes a day eliminating clutter section by section so the task does not grow out of control and become overwhelming.

5. Rent a cat. “-)

References

How to get rid of rats in your home

How to Clean Your Stinky Garbage Can