Shark Weak
Photo by @mike2244
Do you have that relative, friend or workmate? You know, the one with the “great timing”, the appallingly awful, awkward “great timing”. They pull the door that says “push”. They call Pizza Hut just to ask for Domino’s phone number. The “bless their heart” person that says the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong people.
· “You look tired.”
· “You look great for your age.”
· “You’re short.”
· “You probably wouldn’t *get* it, but…”
Photo by @xeniabogarova
· “I love pizza more than *insert literally anything else here*”
· “Not to be racist.”
· “Do you like having a beer belly?”
· “Oh! So, you don’t know.”
· “Do you come here often?”
· “You look so familiar. Didn’t we take a class together? I could’ve sworn we had chemistry.”
· “Should you really be wearing white?”
· “I can’t believe you’re already / finally getting married (again).”
· “Good thing you lost weight for today!” (on the bride’s wedding day)
They ask, “How are you?” 5 times and reply, “I’m fine over” and over again. Their flirting wink looks like serious allergies. They barely understand a joke five minutes later. They go in for a hug when all that was called for was a handshake. They end a work call with “love you”.
They are the rain, the hail and the thunder on the wedding day, the good advice you just can’t take, the free ride when you’ve already paid. These souls are beholden to Murphy's Fourteenth Law: “If anything can't go wrong on its own, someone will make it go wrong.” They are the person while you are sunbathing at the beach, enjoying the gorgeous weather, bronzing it up while waves gently curl and foam over and over, taking off your shirt and preparing to run into the water, and…they start talking about what you don’t talk about at the beach in the summertime, sh***rks. The rules are the rules.
“There is a cardinal rule that you don’t talk about sharks. If you don’t see it, it’s not there.”
It is 95 degrees outside in New York City, Death Valley is soaring over 110 degrees at 1:00 a.m. in the middle of the night. The world is dragging a heat wave, school is out, it’s beach time and it’s July 23, 2023.
Shark Week, Blue Jeans, Motown, Baseball all part of American culture. Photo by @amirriazipour
This is the official start of the most important week in the year. If there is an event that can be claimed as part of American culture - somewhere between blue jeans, jazz, moonshine and Motown - we have to include Shark Week. It is a week-long event originally premiering on July 17, 1988, and occurring annually in the height of the summer beach season. Originally devoted to education, debunking myths, and conservation efforts of sharks. This year it spans from Sunday, June 23 to Saturday, July 29, 2023.
Shark Week is cable television’s longest running programming event at 35 years. Dun. Dun, Law and Order has been on the TV for 30 years. D’oh, the Simpsons, is about 34 years old and still ticking. Shark Week circles in its own special stratosphere.
Mosquitoes take out 725,000 humans a year. And we don’t mean out to dinner. Photo by @ekamelev
But why the draw to sharks? There is no Mosquito Week, whose numbers clock in at 725,000 human deaths a year. Hippopotamus Week and their candidates are at a low 500 deaths per year. Freshwater Snails could be a week at 200,000 deaths per year. The name alone already should draw eyeballs - Assassin bugs ravage humanity at an approximate 10,000 per year.
No. None of the above. It is the shark, the sinister, sublime, surreptitious, sensual, systematic shark. Never mind that, as according to Australian government, each year worldwide there are…10 deaths attributable to shark attacks compared with 150 deaths worldwide caused by falling coconuts. After this blog maybe Coconut Week will be in the new programming lineup next fall.
Sadly 100 million sharks are obliterated each year by humanity. This means that 11,416 sharks are killed by humans worldwide every hour, which equates to 190 sharks killed every minute, or more than three sharks per second. The annihilation of sharks is so voluminous and consistent that it is too fast to measure with the constant circle of the second hand of a clock and the passing of life.
With statistics like these Shark Week should be a notable event. If you would like to see the educational programing, note the schedule below.
You may be like me when you hear the words shark week, you get weak in the knees because of the low-budget, gory, humorror (a portmanteau of humor and horror) movies, with d minus list actors, and corny groan and cringeworthy lines like:
"Looks like it's that time of the month."
"They took my grandfather. So, I really hate sharks."
“What’s the inside of a shark smell like? I always thought it would smell like chicken.”
Traditionally you should watch at least one horrifically corny shark movie or an action or thriller movie like Jaws, Into the Deep, Maybe Meg 2. It’s in the movies. It’s on my bucket list for this week.
”The Strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the Wolf is the strength of the pack.” Rudyard Kipling.
Photo by @viramedio
Back to reality in terms of A list and B list creatures. Sharks exist on a plane in the human consciousness that evoke feelings of the sinister, the allure of fear, ominous mystery, reverent dread, reverential awe, vulnerable terror. Few creatures make this list. Probably number one on the list is the howling wolf and his pack on a black night with a full moon, the stealthy and sinuous cobra uncurling out of baskets in market squares summoned by the Irula people of India, the endless muscular helixes of the Monarch of snakes, the Anaconda, “shiver me timbers”, not the way I want to go out of this world with a death squeeze and the soulless face of the original with his tongue flickering while whispering: “Sssssssooooooo, is it really sooooooooo?” I will simply write the words Vampire Bat and leave it at that. Have at the Vampire Bat with your imagination.
The shark, where do we start? You are a fine hunter, with emotionless eyes, silver, gray elusiveness, and signature fin. You hail from another realm; you call to the fear that hides in the abysmal, black caverns of our soul. What is it with this fear? What is the draw? Is it that finally we can face our inner nemesis in the comfort of our couch safely sailing above the wooden floor in our living room with pizza, popcorn, lemonade homemade and/or beer? Aiiiii, matey.
Happy shark weak.
Photo by @geerald
If you have fear of sharks, the dark, or fear of anything else, maybe this little story I wrote a few years ago will help you and your children. “Talk About The Monster.” A whimsical story of the journey to face and overcome fear. What’s your fear, comment below and perhaps I can place it in my upcoming series of things to write about. Click on the link for your copy of the book.